Restive State

I realized that I needed work in order to pay the bills. Sure, it is a natural concept. Work. Earn money. Pay bills. Yet finding work is so much harder than I anticipated. While still searching for the "right" job, I've been forced to look for alternative means of work. In other words, I joined the wonderful world of temping.

I saw the ad, and it talked about Nike manufacturing. I figure, this was right up my alley having shipped these very same parts while at KAL. So I go in, take the aptitude test. Which was actually more than putting a mirror under my nose to see if it fogged over (evidence of breathing). Filled out the necessary paperwork then have an interview. No worries, then I'm scheduled for orientation. Go there and sit the very basic run-through with the notion that I will be filled in more the first on the site. Which, unbeknownst to me, and never let on to during the whole process until now, could be the first day of the shift of this week, but may not be. No one said it was as needed, or that it was not a 100% thing. Sure, I should have known, but I was not thinking that this was a PRN job. The literature said "immediate openings for all positions." So now, I have to worry about if the job I have, is actually going to work me. I'm trying to stay positive, but it is getting harder every day.

On the brighter side, my application for large hospital group was turned in, and I even had a chance to speak to HR about the process. Now comes the waiting for the call to interview. I'm hoping that the gap between school and now, will not be a huge minus for me. I am willing to explain the circumstances, but to do so I need to get my foot int he door to talk to someone. All I want to do is work in a hospital as a nurse and put that 3 years to good use.

One last note, November 5th is coming, which is Jonas's birthday. We were hoping to go to the beach for that day to spread ashes in the ocean he never got to see. Due to the road we've traveled lately, we aren't going to do that, at least right now. Each day the emotional wound gets a little less raw, but somethings just tear it open. Losing two children in less that a year is more that anyone should have to go through. As I write this, I think that if things we going the way they were supposed, Mia would have been born not too long ago, just a couple of days. Not a day goes by where I don't question and wonder why this has happened. The thing we wanted the most has been denied to us. All we have left of our 2 angels is memories and pictures. Right now, I'm just maintaining, hoping to make it through the next couple of weeks and it seems near insurmountable. I don't want to deal with life. I don't want to deal with all that we have to deal with currently. I just want things to work out the way they should be. Linda and I need to heal and move on, but it is so hard to do so when things look as bleak as they do now. I believe that there is hope and that things will eventually will work out, that we will have our family like we always wanted, but getting there is the hardest thing to do.

'Til later...

Almost a year ago, to the day nearly, I posted on the inability of drivers in Arizona, notably Flagstaff, to drive. In a post titled, "Overcompensation" I laid out these reasons and theorized that things were better elsewhere.

I was wrong.

They suck here too. Really, who comes to a screeching halt on a freeway in ruch hour? Well if you drive the 26 anytime, that is a very good proposition. And usually for no apparent reason. On this same road, driving west-bound you get sun in your eyes. It's not like this is a new development for anyone who has ever driven this road, yet everyday, when the sun hits their eyes, like little Oregonian vampires, we react and slam on our brakes.

In the middle of traffic.

Traveling at 55mph.

Because there is a bright shining ball of yellow levitating in front of you.

Not that you couldn't see that there is sun ahead of you beofre you drop into the valley and take appropriate measures; like putting down the sun visor before you pass into the light. Far too smart and well-thought out for Oregonian drivers.

Now my favorite pet peeve has to do with the city of Beaverton, who seems to the believe that no one can turn left at an intersection without a turn light. Gone is the ability to turn left on the green light, no, you're stopped by the red arrow banning all movement, even when there is so little traffic that you push your car through the turn. And to make matters worse, the sensors and timing for these lights are so shoddy that you can sit for what seems like an eternity at the light waiting to go, watching all the others continue on their way. While nice when there is traffic, a blinking yellow would be a nice touch.

Oh well. Til later...

The Test
Two weeks after we got to Oregon, I sat for the hardest test in my life. Having graduated back in May, and having been broke until recently to pay for the test, I had not taken my NCLEX exam to earn my nursing license. After the events of August, I was really in no shape emotionally, intellectually or psychologically to take this test, but I knew I needed to do so. On a Tuesday morning I drove to the testing center, nervous, shaking and fearing the worst. Even the help of NOFX and my theme song from school didn't put the shakes away. Seventy-five questions late I walked out saying, "Do you want fries with that?" to start practising for the career path that I felt I had earned with my dismal performance. You see the minimum number of questions on the NCLEX-RN test is 75. They figure that by that point in the test, you're either minimally competent (in other words, you'r enot going to outright kill someone due to stupidity), or you're hopeless and need to start thinking about possibly a career change. Sure, I had been in this spot before. Many times in school I walked out of the test feeling this exact same way and did just fine, even great. But it was different this time. So many times I felt that I was lost adn guessing. It was guessing guided by what I knew, following the ABCs and Maslow, but guessing. The rest of the day was spent trying not to think about the test and trying not to drive the wife crazy. The following morning I pulled up the State Board site, to see maybe if they had posted the results early. And they had. There was my name, with RN attached to it. I had done it! All of the time, the stress and worry had finally paid off.

New Grad Blues
Now that I had those precious initials, RN, after my name, I believed that a job would be a sight easier to obtain. Boy was I wrong. The thing that many people do not realize about the nursing shortage in this country is that it is a shortage of experienced nurses. Not being an experienced nurse made my job prospects scarce to minimal. Most facilities only have certain times where they take new grads as they have to make arrangements for preceptors and orientation (so as not to throw us fresh meat to the lions). Unfortunately, I had missed all of these times so opportunites are scarce. Yes, there are openings in long-term care and skilled nursing. Both honorable specialties in the nursing field, but not my area of interest. Yes, I could work at a LTC/SN facility, but I would be unhappy and always looking for the chance to bolt. WIth my upbringing that would not be an option. I don't leave people in a bind.

So here I am, singing the new grad blues. Everyday I log onto to the various hospital websites looking for new openings that I may qualify for. At least minimally enough to get an interview. I peruse the newspaper on-line. Not being from here though, I don't know the economic landscape, and how the various organizations hire. Some have said to just walk onto the floors, look for the manager and hand out my resume. Easy to say if you've done clinicals there. Me, I have to use gMaps just to find the places. But, I have faith. I have persistence. I have to ability to do menial labor until the job I want pops up. I may not want to, but I will.

Til later...

Preface
So much has happened since the last time I posted. Life has changed enormously and in so many different ways. While we always wanted to move back to Portland, it was never supposed to be in this particular fashion. We were supposed to be here waiting for the birth of our child, me with a job and working and the two of us in a happy blissful state.

Nice dream.

The reality is far from that.

The Reason
We lost our little angel on August 18th after 8 wonderful days of having her with us. We never got to hold her, or hear her cry, or do all those things that parents should be able to do. She spent her life inside an isolette, with lines running into her little body and a machine helping her breathe. She fought from the start, always trying to prove the doctors and the statistics wrong. She showed us how strong she was when she moved and squirmed, when she sucked on her endotracheal tube, when she held on to our fingers in a totally natural way. She touched so many lives in her short time in this life. There were many special moments that we will remember and cherish forever. We still have pictures and memories to keep her in our thoughts for as long as we live. After we lost Jonas, we believed that this could not happen again and our Mia Rose was part of the healing process after losing Jonas and now she has gone as well. We have two little angels to look after us now.

The Move
So after Mia left us, there was no reason to stay in Arizona. Why stay in a state that where we lost two children? With no jobs, no place to live, hardly any money but the help of our family, we left. Yes, we were running away from things that we could not really expect to escape from, but it made sense, at least in an irrational way. Linda left first, flying to Seattle as she was in no shape to make the long drive from Arizona. After cramming as much of our life into a rental truck that we could (pictures to come), my dad and I hit the road. Two days later we pulled into Portland. As luck would have it, we had a place to live, and people to help us unload. So here we were. Made it to Portland, had a place to live, still umemployed, still broke, not pregnant and trying to assimilate the shock of moving from a small town to a large city.

This will be my last post for a long time. Not that anyone reads this anyways, but if there are readers, I want them to be aware.

Friday morning, the 18th of August, our baby, little Mia Rose, passed on. She lived for 8 days and succumbed to sepsis. Words cannot describe the grief and pain my wife and I are living with right now. In fact words have no real meaning to me right now at all.

Thank you all for the prayers and good thoughts. Hopefully, one day this too will pass and the healing will begin.

Removed Verizon Advertising

Yes, that is my wedding band around here arm.

Mia Rose after her first meal.

add:

She had a good day today. Found out that the ultrasound of her brain showed no bleegin, not no IVH, which is a great thing in babies so small. Second, her echocardiogram showed that her PDA had closed. Finally, she got her first meal other than TPN. SO it was a good day.

Removed Verizon's advertising.

Our little Mia resting to grow big and strong.

Nothing like reading about the "evils"of fast food while eating it.

moblogged from: Springerville, AZ - 03JUL2006

It seems my cat has been posessed by the spirit of Al Bundy.

In a grim reality check, Team USA was eliminated from the World Cup this morning. What is funny is that no one will really care. Football is seen as a youth sport, not a major sport here in the States, with none of the hysterics reserved for it in our worldly brothers. We have no soccer hooligans, people don't call in sick to see important matches and frankly no one really cares.

For the US to compete at the world level is still impressive, even if we are the short-bus riding special kids on the playground. Maybe one day we'll wake up and realize that 300lb. behemoths crashing into each in between commercial breaks is not sport, but spectacle reminiscent of Rome's gladiators. Until then, I'll be watching world football however I can.

Til later...

I never got into "American Idol", or for that matter that Nashville-Idol show, or even back in the day, "Star Search." They are the spectacle of a nation thirsting for "entertainment." But I have to admit, I'm hooked on "America's Got Talent" that wonderful mash-up of the "Gong SHow" and "American Idol" in spite of the wonderful trainwreck it is.

I mean what were the producers smoking when they thought re-hashed this one up?
Lessee, let's get 3 "celebrity judges. David "I haven't worked since Baywatch, but Germans love me" Hasselhof, Brandy "A TV Camera hasn't been trained on me since 'Moesha' and I have only one name," and Piers "I wish I was Simon Cowell" Morgan. Then we'll parade all the freaks you see performing on many street corners in nearly every major metropolitan area in front of them. Sprinkle in some folks who think this is American Idol or Star Search who may actually have talent to make the show not look like so much of a set-up. Then, the stroke of brilliance: instead of a giant gong, we'll give each judge their own buzzer. Of course if the judges want though, even if the act gets "gonged", they can still pass on to the next round, if the judges vote them through. At least that way we can show favoritism to old people and young children and not look like total jerks.

And so it was created.

Tonight we had an 8 year-old stand-up comic, a dancing inflatable cow, a rappin' granny, a juggler who until playing with knives couldn't juggle, a gospel singer, a geriatric stripper and many more. To say that show will be a smash is a little early, but knowing our nation's love for the strange, odd, and those moments in life where you shake your head and go "why?", it's going to do well.

So for you viewing pleasure, the geriatric stripper:




'Till later...

I realized the other day, it had been a very, very long time since I had updated, well, anything in my life. So I'm sitting here with the smell of fresh burning Ponderosa pine in the air thinking about the last month.

So let's do the re-cap:
May 12th, last day as an extern...no more student life for me. Soon I will be a professional.
May 13th, graduated from nursing school. Yes, 3 of the hardest years of my life finally have the pay-off.
May 17th, turn 30. "Nuff said.
May 27th, sister-in-law graduates from high school. Starting to feel old.
June 3rd, wife has 10-year high school reunion...feel a little bit older.
June 9th, learn I had been turned down for a job in Oregon, life falls apart.
June 14th, still trying to pick up the pieces of my life.

Oh yeah, the town's on fire too...

So it's been crazy, beyond many things. Still trying to get myself back together once again, which seems like a neverending task, but someday, it will happen!

'til later...

That's what I'm on. The end is so close that it is really hard to fathom that it is so close. I've finished my nursing classes, finished the HESI tests (did pretty darn good too if you ask me!), finished clinicals and all their paperwork, all that's left is my Microbiology final. Tomorrow that too will be done and I'll be as free as a bird. Pinning is Friday and so is graduation, but I'm not going to that having walked once already. Sure I have 2 more extern shifts left, but it will be closing out of that experience. Oh yeah, did I mention I have a job? Offered where I extern, but I also have an interview in Portland for the unit I really want. Time will tell.

The end is getting even closer...

Til later...

This sign always cracks me up. Considering I had to send my taxes in today, that was a very good thing!

"Tax collectors warn that on April 17, Americans had better fess up to what taxes they've avoided through Internet shopping--or else."

Yeah, so what's new. They all want their tax money.

I still believe that it is crock to have both a sales tax and an income tax. Give me one or the other, but not both. It's like having a double income tax, one pre, the post. In some places, like where I live, the internet is the only way to get some things. They're just not carried in town (or they are, but only at one place, where anyone driving by can see you go in...and know you've been a dirty person). So now in addition to the pain in the ass it is to get some things, now I'm going to get taxed on it. Great. More issues. The tax rate here, thanks to the bloody tourists is over 8%. The town believes it can make its money off the tourists and screw the locals in the same fell swoop. And they do. While this year I owe the state nearly $400, I've spent thousands in sales tax, from gas to food and everything in between, so it makes it doubly hard to shell out the cash to the government.

'Til later...

read more | digg story

So here it is, the end is near.

Nursing school, that is. Now I have to try to find a job. Right. Simple. There's a nursing shortage right?

Mainly due to my lack of self-confidence, I'm having a hard time feeling that anything will generate out of the applications I've already submitted and hence a further feeling of futility to submit more. To make matters worse, the rest of the family is hoping, no, depending on me getting a job in the NW so we all can escape exile in this state. It freaks me out. Then to think about moving, getting a new place, shipping the Bug, moving, packing, graduating, turning 30, moving, getting a new job, going somewhere new...it all makes me a bit, well, insomic (is that even a word?).

So I stay up, until I can't keep my eyes open, watching TV, palying Fable, stumbling over the Web, all in a desperate attempt to somehow subvert my fears and calm my anxious brain. Only problem is that it makes me tired and grumpy the next day.
Bitching about it only clears my mind for a moment, so I'll stop now and enjoy the clarity.

'Til later...

Oh yeah, time flies where you're crazy busy. Lessee, according to the listing it's been a month?! Ok, time tocatch back up.

1. Capstone
Awesome, frickin' awesome. The chance to be totally immersed in a professional area was unbelievable. (see here and here for background). Because I live in small town, and word travels, I can't say too much about it, for respect of HIPPA and patient rights,but I will break it down a little for y'all.

While I didn't get a chance to intubate (kind of outside my scope of practice...) I saw several. Saw a couple of ODs, one real bad one with tricyclic antidepressants...very bad mojo. GCS went from 15 at the scene to below 9 on arrival and was dropping even faster until they got a tube in a sedation on-board. Had a guy come in with a stab wound and part of his omentum hanging out. Lucky for me, I knew the OR nurse that night and followed the patient to surgery to watch. It was crazy watching the surgeon stick most of his forearm inside the guy's belly. Knife wounds are "not a good thing", he bought himself a splenectomy and chest tube, but survived. There were sad moments, where patients didn't make it. There were happy moments, like when I started my first real IV successfully (note key term here: successfully).

I put nearly every facet of my education to use during this rotation, from kiddos to the elderly, IVs to chest compressions in CPR (extremely tiring!). So many interesting things happened that one of the charge nurses dubbed me a "bad luck charm" as whenever I was there, bad cases seemed to come in. I think it was just her. But as I was telling one of the nurses, they may have created a monster. I had originally wanted to go into emergency medicine, but lost interest. But now it was back, with a vengance. We'll see how things pan out.

2. Spring Break
Spring break? What Spring Break? Never had one, never will again.

3. School
At this point, 37 days left 'til graduation. It doesn't seem possible, that the end is almost here. It freaks me out, but exciting as well. We'll see how the next month goes.

4. Jobs
I have an interview next week already. Other apps are out and in process. While the interview I have isn't my dream facility, if nothing else comes through, I will be happy there. My wife may not be however. I hate how it is a waiting game. I moved once without a job, and will never do it again. No job, no move. Simple as that.

Well that's the update. 'Till later...

Oh yeah, it's April 5th and it is snowing outside my window...

Last night was the first "day" of Capstone. By "day" I mean 7p -7a, the night shift. Oh yeah, it's the first of the month too...
Anyways, started out with a trauma. Guy walks into the road, in traffic, 100 feet from crosswalk. Gets hit. Buys himself a broken tibial plateau and months of PT. Not an auspicious start. But it gets better. Yes, much better.

For some reason, Friday night is drunk night. And we had them in spades. So many in fact, that I thought most of PD was in our ED not out on the street. I will never understand what drives people to drink so much, be belligerent to people who are wanting to help and just generally make a scene. I mean really, you're in cuffs, have gotten bum rushed by the cops once for being a pain, why do you try to run out of the unit? (that was funny...they pulled him back into the room by his arms and legs...). I have a new respect for the PD though, the stuff they have to deal with on a nightly basis is pretty incredible.

Our next big one was a guy brought in by the PD for fighting. He's beat up, looks like he went a couple of rounds with Tyson (at least his brother), drunk and cuffed to the stretcher. Yes, great fun was had by all. And that was the theme of the night. It was either assualts, drunks or folks with nausea and vomiting. I didn't do as much as I had wanted, but I did get one real good IV start which boosted my confidence to new levels.

Totals so far:
IV: 1 Foleys: 0 Wounds: Too many already Traumas: 0

There's still a long way to go...

Not Keystone, rather Capstone.
And what is it? Call it a senior project/internship/preceptorship, whatever. It is 3 weeks working as a nurse (although with one following your every move...), not getting paid, but still reaping the benfits of the experience. Granted, as I have been doing my externship since May (for which I do get paid for), it's not all that foreign for me to pull 12 hour shifts. In fact, I have grown to love them. 8 hours hifts are so, well, short. I feel like I'm just about hitting my stride, or at least my functioning level of competence by about hour 5. With a 12 you've got a long time to make up for any "issues" you may have had previously. With 8, you're almost gone. Anyways, I digress.

Right now, I'm counting my lucky stars. First, I get to stay in town. The other options meant at least a 1.5 hour drive each way, if not more. Second, it's atthe hospital where I work (which is a given that there is only one around.) Third, I drew the ED. At night. Probably weekends. I'm going to see so much crazy shit, I won't be able to get it out of my head. And for that I'm grateful. Sure, I would have rather it been in the day. But I'm getting the witching hour...oh the joy and the horror.

I don't start until the end of the month, but I'm sure there will be grisly stories to share.

And speaking of grisly stories, I'm not even going to talk about this week's test. That whistling sound you heard? Yeah, that was my grade dive-bombing into a fiery blaze of glory. Not a pretty test. Hopefully Wednesday we'll find out exactly what went wrong.

'Til later...