Restive State

I realized that I needed work in order to pay the bills. Sure, it is a natural concept. Work. Earn money. Pay bills. Yet finding work is so much harder than I anticipated. While still searching for the "right" job, I've been forced to look for alternative means of work. In other words, I joined the wonderful world of temping.

I saw the ad, and it talked about Nike manufacturing. I figure, this was right up my alley having shipped these very same parts while at KAL. So I go in, take the aptitude test. Which was actually more than putting a mirror under my nose to see if it fogged over (evidence of breathing). Filled out the necessary paperwork then have an interview. No worries, then I'm scheduled for orientation. Go there and sit the very basic run-through with the notion that I will be filled in more the first on the site. Which, unbeknownst to me, and never let on to during the whole process until now, could be the first day of the shift of this week, but may not be. No one said it was as needed, or that it was not a 100% thing. Sure, I should have known, but I was not thinking that this was a PRN job. The literature said "immediate openings for all positions." So now, I have to worry about if the job I have, is actually going to work me. I'm trying to stay positive, but it is getting harder every day.

On the brighter side, my application for large hospital group was turned in, and I even had a chance to speak to HR about the process. Now comes the waiting for the call to interview. I'm hoping that the gap between school and now, will not be a huge minus for me. I am willing to explain the circumstances, but to do so I need to get my foot int he door to talk to someone. All I want to do is work in a hospital as a nurse and put that 3 years to good use.

One last note, November 5th is coming, which is Jonas's birthday. We were hoping to go to the beach for that day to spread ashes in the ocean he never got to see. Due to the road we've traveled lately, we aren't going to do that, at least right now. Each day the emotional wound gets a little less raw, but somethings just tear it open. Losing two children in less that a year is more that anyone should have to go through. As I write this, I think that if things we going the way they were supposed, Mia would have been born not too long ago, just a couple of days. Not a day goes by where I don't question and wonder why this has happened. The thing we wanted the most has been denied to us. All we have left of our 2 angels is memories and pictures. Right now, I'm just maintaining, hoping to make it through the next couple of weeks and it seems near insurmountable. I don't want to deal with life. I don't want to deal with all that we have to deal with currently. I just want things to work out the way they should be. Linda and I need to heal and move on, but it is so hard to do so when things look as bleak as they do now. I believe that there is hope and that things will eventually will work out, that we will have our family like we always wanted, but getting there is the hardest thing to do.

'Til later...