Restive State

This will be my last post for a long time. Not that anyone reads this anyways, but if there are readers, I want them to be aware.

Friday morning, the 18th of August, our baby, little Mia Rose, passed on. She lived for 8 days and succumbed to sepsis. Words cannot describe the grief and pain my wife and I are living with right now. In fact words have no real meaning to me right now at all.

Thank you all for the prayers and good thoughts. Hopefully, one day this too will pass and the healing will begin.

Removed Verizon Advertising

Yes, that is my wedding band around here arm.

Mia Rose after her first meal.

add:

She had a good day today. Found out that the ultrasound of her brain showed no bleegin, not no IVH, which is a great thing in babies so small. Second, her echocardiogram showed that her PDA had closed. Finally, she got her first meal other than TPN. SO it was a good day.

Removed Verizon's advertising.

Our little Mia resting to grow big and strong.

Nothing like reading about the "evils"of fast food while eating it.

moblogged from: Springerville, AZ - 03JUL2006

It seems my cat has been posessed by the spirit of Al Bundy.

In a grim reality check, Team USA was eliminated from the World Cup this morning. What is funny is that no one will really care. Football is seen as a youth sport, not a major sport here in the States, with none of the hysterics reserved for it in our worldly brothers. We have no soccer hooligans, people don't call in sick to see important matches and frankly no one really cares.

For the US to compete at the world level is still impressive, even if we are the short-bus riding special kids on the playground. Maybe one day we'll wake up and realize that 300lb. behemoths crashing into each in between commercial breaks is not sport, but spectacle reminiscent of Rome's gladiators. Until then, I'll be watching world football however I can.

Til later...

I never got into "American Idol", or for that matter that Nashville-Idol show, or even back in the day, "Star Search." They are the spectacle of a nation thirsting for "entertainment." But I have to admit, I'm hooked on "America's Got Talent" that wonderful mash-up of the "Gong SHow" and "American Idol" in spite of the wonderful trainwreck it is.

I mean what were the producers smoking when they thought re-hashed this one up?
Lessee, let's get 3 "celebrity judges. David "I haven't worked since Baywatch, but Germans love me" Hasselhof, Brandy "A TV Camera hasn't been trained on me since 'Moesha' and I have only one name," and Piers "I wish I was Simon Cowell" Morgan. Then we'll parade all the freaks you see performing on many street corners in nearly every major metropolitan area in front of them. Sprinkle in some folks who think this is American Idol or Star Search who may actually have talent to make the show not look like so much of a set-up. Then, the stroke of brilliance: instead of a giant gong, we'll give each judge their own buzzer. Of course if the judges want though, even if the act gets "gonged", they can still pass on to the next round, if the judges vote them through. At least that way we can show favoritism to old people and young children and not look like total jerks.

And so it was created.

Tonight we had an 8 year-old stand-up comic, a dancing inflatable cow, a rappin' granny, a juggler who until playing with knives couldn't juggle, a gospel singer, a geriatric stripper and many more. To say that show will be a smash is a little early, but knowing our nation's love for the strange, odd, and those moments in life where you shake your head and go "why?", it's going to do well.

So for you viewing pleasure, the geriatric stripper:




'Till later...

I realized the other day, it had been a very, very long time since I had updated, well, anything in my life. So I'm sitting here with the smell of fresh burning Ponderosa pine in the air thinking about the last month.

So let's do the re-cap:
May 12th, last day as an extern...no more student life for me. Soon I will be a professional.
May 13th, graduated from nursing school. Yes, 3 of the hardest years of my life finally have the pay-off.
May 17th, turn 30. "Nuff said.
May 27th, sister-in-law graduates from high school. Starting to feel old.
June 3rd, wife has 10-year high school reunion...feel a little bit older.
June 9th, learn I had been turned down for a job in Oregon, life falls apart.
June 14th, still trying to pick up the pieces of my life.

Oh yeah, the town's on fire too...

So it's been crazy, beyond many things. Still trying to get myself back together once again, which seems like a neverending task, but someday, it will happen!

'til later...

That's what I'm on. The end is so close that it is really hard to fathom that it is so close. I've finished my nursing classes, finished the HESI tests (did pretty darn good too if you ask me!), finished clinicals and all their paperwork, all that's left is my Microbiology final. Tomorrow that too will be done and I'll be as free as a bird. Pinning is Friday and so is graduation, but I'm not going to that having walked once already. Sure I have 2 more extern shifts left, but it will be closing out of that experience. Oh yeah, did I mention I have a job? Offered where I extern, but I also have an interview in Portland for the unit I really want. Time will tell.

The end is getting even closer...

Til later...

This sign always cracks me up. Considering I had to send my taxes in today, that was a very good thing!

"Tax collectors warn that on April 17, Americans had better fess up to what taxes they've avoided through Internet shopping--or else."

Yeah, so what's new. They all want their tax money.

I still believe that it is crock to have both a sales tax and an income tax. Give me one or the other, but not both. It's like having a double income tax, one pre, the post. In some places, like where I live, the internet is the only way to get some things. They're just not carried in town (or they are, but only at one place, where anyone driving by can see you go in...and know you've been a dirty person). So now in addition to the pain in the ass it is to get some things, now I'm going to get taxed on it. Great. More issues. The tax rate here, thanks to the bloody tourists is over 8%. The town believes it can make its money off the tourists and screw the locals in the same fell swoop. And they do. While this year I owe the state nearly $400, I've spent thousands in sales tax, from gas to food and everything in between, so it makes it doubly hard to shell out the cash to the government.

'Til later...

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So here it is, the end is near.

Nursing school, that is. Now I have to try to find a job. Right. Simple. There's a nursing shortage right?

Mainly due to my lack of self-confidence, I'm having a hard time feeling that anything will generate out of the applications I've already submitted and hence a further feeling of futility to submit more. To make matters worse, the rest of the family is hoping, no, depending on me getting a job in the NW so we all can escape exile in this state. It freaks me out. Then to think about moving, getting a new place, shipping the Bug, moving, packing, graduating, turning 30, moving, getting a new job, going somewhere new...it all makes me a bit, well, insomic (is that even a word?).

So I stay up, until I can't keep my eyes open, watching TV, palying Fable, stumbling over the Web, all in a desperate attempt to somehow subvert my fears and calm my anxious brain. Only problem is that it makes me tired and grumpy the next day.
Bitching about it only clears my mind for a moment, so I'll stop now and enjoy the clarity.

'Til later...

Oh yeah, time flies where you're crazy busy. Lessee, according to the listing it's been a month?! Ok, time tocatch back up.

1. Capstone
Awesome, frickin' awesome. The chance to be totally immersed in a professional area was unbelievable. (see here and here for background). Because I live in small town, and word travels, I can't say too much about it, for respect of HIPPA and patient rights,but I will break it down a little for y'all.

While I didn't get a chance to intubate (kind of outside my scope of practice...) I saw several. Saw a couple of ODs, one real bad one with tricyclic antidepressants...very bad mojo. GCS went from 15 at the scene to below 9 on arrival and was dropping even faster until they got a tube in a sedation on-board. Had a guy come in with a stab wound and part of his omentum hanging out. Lucky for me, I knew the OR nurse that night and followed the patient to surgery to watch. It was crazy watching the surgeon stick most of his forearm inside the guy's belly. Knife wounds are "not a good thing", he bought himself a splenectomy and chest tube, but survived. There were sad moments, where patients didn't make it. There were happy moments, like when I started my first real IV successfully (note key term here: successfully).

I put nearly every facet of my education to use during this rotation, from kiddos to the elderly, IVs to chest compressions in CPR (extremely tiring!). So many interesting things happened that one of the charge nurses dubbed me a "bad luck charm" as whenever I was there, bad cases seemed to come in. I think it was just her. But as I was telling one of the nurses, they may have created a monster. I had originally wanted to go into emergency medicine, but lost interest. But now it was back, with a vengance. We'll see how things pan out.

2. Spring Break
Spring break? What Spring Break? Never had one, never will again.

3. School
At this point, 37 days left 'til graduation. It doesn't seem possible, that the end is almost here. It freaks me out, but exciting as well. We'll see how the next month goes.

4. Jobs
I have an interview next week already. Other apps are out and in process. While the interview I have isn't my dream facility, if nothing else comes through, I will be happy there. My wife may not be however. I hate how it is a waiting game. I moved once without a job, and will never do it again. No job, no move. Simple as that.

Well that's the update. 'Till later...

Oh yeah, it's April 5th and it is snowing outside my window...

Last night was the first "day" of Capstone. By "day" I mean 7p -7a, the night shift. Oh yeah, it's the first of the month too...
Anyways, started out with a trauma. Guy walks into the road, in traffic, 100 feet from crosswalk. Gets hit. Buys himself a broken tibial plateau and months of PT. Not an auspicious start. But it gets better. Yes, much better.

For some reason, Friday night is drunk night. And we had them in spades. So many in fact, that I thought most of PD was in our ED not out on the street. I will never understand what drives people to drink so much, be belligerent to people who are wanting to help and just generally make a scene. I mean really, you're in cuffs, have gotten bum rushed by the cops once for being a pain, why do you try to run out of the unit? (that was funny...they pulled him back into the room by his arms and legs...). I have a new respect for the PD though, the stuff they have to deal with on a nightly basis is pretty incredible.

Our next big one was a guy brought in by the PD for fighting. He's beat up, looks like he went a couple of rounds with Tyson (at least his brother), drunk and cuffed to the stretcher. Yes, great fun was had by all. And that was the theme of the night. It was either assualts, drunks or folks with nausea and vomiting. I didn't do as much as I had wanted, but I did get one real good IV start which boosted my confidence to new levels.

Totals so far:
IV: 1 Foleys: 0 Wounds: Too many already Traumas: 0

There's still a long way to go...

Not Keystone, rather Capstone.
And what is it? Call it a senior project/internship/preceptorship, whatever. It is 3 weeks working as a nurse (although with one following your every move...), not getting paid, but still reaping the benfits of the experience. Granted, as I have been doing my externship since May (for which I do get paid for), it's not all that foreign for me to pull 12 hour shifts. In fact, I have grown to love them. 8 hours hifts are so, well, short. I feel like I'm just about hitting my stride, or at least my functioning level of competence by about hour 5. With a 12 you've got a long time to make up for any "issues" you may have had previously. With 8, you're almost gone. Anyways, I digress.

Right now, I'm counting my lucky stars. First, I get to stay in town. The other options meant at least a 1.5 hour drive each way, if not more. Second, it's atthe hospital where I work (which is a given that there is only one around.) Third, I drew the ED. At night. Probably weekends. I'm going to see so much crazy shit, I won't be able to get it out of my head. And for that I'm grateful. Sure, I would have rather it been in the day. But I'm getting the witching hour...oh the joy and the horror.

I don't start until the end of the month, but I'm sure there will be grisly stories to share.

And speaking of grisly stories, I'm not even going to talk about this week's test. That whistling sound you heard? Yeah, that was my grade dive-bombing into a fiery blaze of glory. Not a pretty test. Hopefully Wednesday we'll find out exactly what went wrong.

'Til later...

I'm no crazy cat person, but this guy keeps me in line. He also wakes me up in the middle of the night and generally wreaks havoc. As you can see, he is both an airplane fanatic and a user if iTunes.

In this light I think briefly of our governments' monitoring of our personal electronic communication. Big up to Google for not complying with the DOJ's request for a weeks worth of search requests. I can't believe that we live in the "Land of the Free" but have many of our moves watched, recorded and filed. I'm not of the tinfoil hat brigade, but I do worry. What use is it of the Fed's the sites I go to (no kiddie porn, no Islamic fundamentalist, no bomb-making; stuff about organization, pictures of my family, my art and my career.) Granted now, I'm probably on the list. But it goes to show that there is something fundamentally wrong with our country. Just something to chew on.

'Til later...

Finally, after months of waiting, the snow has returned.
Only problem is that it is gone already. To me, this is not a problem. In fact, I've been loving this. Sure it's been chilly, but the lack of snow has really boosted my spirits. My you may ask? Let me count the ways:

• not having to dig my car out from under tons of snow to get to work in the morning.
• not freezing on my way to work, or having to use my glove and the 12volt plug-in heater as defrost (yes, that is my daily driver above...)
• no mud tracked into the house, and no mud to destroy the white shoes I have to wear to clinical.

and last but not least by any measure:

• no tourists

Many people here in town survive off of tourist dollars and love for them to come and spend their money in our town. But I have grown to loathe them. They flock into the stores, into the restaurants, allow for the gas stations to hike the prices due to "demand", drive like idiots in the snow, and generally cause havoc for the locals. The worst sin though is entitlement. They act like we are here to serve and be at their beck and call, just because they deign to grace our town with their presence. For example, last winter, my wife and I, laong with another couple decide to go out for dinner on a Saturday night. Bad idea. I realy think we were the only ones besides the staff in our local zip code in the joint. As we are standing there waiting, little brat from the Valley with parents stride into the join with attitude full-on. Looking at the crowd, little brat goes, "Didn't you make reservations dfad? I don't feel like standing around waiting." Of course, they got a table before us...
Yes, I'm a little bitter about it, but I can admit it, and that is always the first step.

On the lighter side though, I started my new position at work and absolutely love it. 5 hours goes by like nothing else and when you don't have to talk to stupid people, it makes it even better.

School starts this week. I can't decide if I'm excited or scared sh*tless. It is the last semester and I'm a little feaked out. I know what I want to do, where I want to work, but I still have to pass the last set of classes (Advanced Nursing Concepts and Microbiology) and the NCLEX. It's a daunting load to have to deal with, but somehow I'll make it...I hope.

Til later...

Not forgotten, just left behind by progress. Twin Arrows sits next to I-40 as it traverses northern Arizona, a relic of the old Route 66 days left to disintegrate and fade into memory.

Future-casting, like meteorology, is one of those fields that you can guess at generalized trends and point to nebulous predictions and claim you're right. I've never said that I know what the future holds, nor do I want to. Sure, I have hopes and fears about what the next year brings, but I'll never put it out there on the line. Some do, and some make a ton of cash doing it. The reason I bring this up was that I was reading the paper the other day at work and came across this little tidbit:

What's Next:
Classic Rock. The "Top Trends 2006" report from the Trends Research Institute...says young listeners are revolting against the hit machine. Institute director Gerald Celente says this generation is finding "heroes in Lennon and Dylan. This is a first in American history."via Arizona Republic

I'm sorry, but this is news? I've been listening to both of these guys since I was in high school and there were always many who did as well. It is a natural progression to find out what music is all about. I have a theory on progression of musical taste and interests, that based on this, really holds some water.

First, because it is readily available, and it pisses off your parents, you start out by listening to Top 40 style music. Today it's all about TRL, American Idol and Clear Channel molding and shaping to tastes of youth, but it's not really that far of a departure from how I started, just packaged differently. I started with Top 40 in the wasteland of the early to mid-80s. This gets modified as you adopt one particular style of music that really grates on your parents, but still is a popular genre. For me that was hip hop, early NWA, 2 Live Crew and yes, Vanilla Ice (so I was a loser, everyone else liked him...for a moment). Then I began to branch out, explore more types of music and thanks to a vibrant music scene, found music I liked even better, while still retaining some of the pop culture DNA in my taste. Then, I found classic rock. Hendrix, the Doors, the Beatles, Dylan, Bob Marley, Peter Tosh, AC/DC, Led Zeppelin and more. My journey into music caused me to look for the roots of what I liked and drove others to do the same. So this has always been done, maybe not on a scale predicted by the researchers, but there nonetheless. I've taken this even farther, getting into American roots and folk music, going way back and enjoying every minute of it.

The thing that I noticed as I perused the Institute's publications is that they all share a "well, d'uh" attitutde to me. Maybe it's just that I read entirely way too much, or that the things they bring up are concerns for me as well, but none of it is really earth-shattering. You can read the public sample here. While the journal is intended to provide large corporations the "hip" cool-hunting edge into the American psyche, it's not really all that revolutionary. Those on the bleeding-edge of culture are already beyond these trends. They're geared toward middle American values and mores, which is more of the population than some would like to admit. BUt it's still interesting to read and laugh at.

'Til later...