Restive State

I realized that I needed work in order to pay the bills. Sure, it is a natural concept. Work. Earn money. Pay bills. Yet finding work is so much harder than I anticipated. While still searching for the "right" job, I've been forced to look for alternative means of work. In other words, I joined the wonderful world of temping.

I saw the ad, and it talked about Nike manufacturing. I figure, this was right up my alley having shipped these very same parts while at KAL. So I go in, take the aptitude test. Which was actually more than putting a mirror under my nose to see if it fogged over (evidence of breathing). Filled out the necessary paperwork then have an interview. No worries, then I'm scheduled for orientation. Go there and sit the very basic run-through with the notion that I will be filled in more the first on the site. Which, unbeknownst to me, and never let on to during the whole process until now, could be the first day of the shift of this week, but may not be. No one said it was as needed, or that it was not a 100% thing. Sure, I should have known, but I was not thinking that this was a PRN job. The literature said "immediate openings for all positions." So now, I have to worry about if the job I have, is actually going to work me. I'm trying to stay positive, but it is getting harder every day.

On the brighter side, my application for large hospital group was turned in, and I even had a chance to speak to HR about the process. Now comes the waiting for the call to interview. I'm hoping that the gap between school and now, will not be a huge minus for me. I am willing to explain the circumstances, but to do so I need to get my foot int he door to talk to someone. All I want to do is work in a hospital as a nurse and put that 3 years to good use.

One last note, November 5th is coming, which is Jonas's birthday. We were hoping to go to the beach for that day to spread ashes in the ocean he never got to see. Due to the road we've traveled lately, we aren't going to do that, at least right now. Each day the emotional wound gets a little less raw, but somethings just tear it open. Losing two children in less that a year is more that anyone should have to go through. As I write this, I think that if things we going the way they were supposed, Mia would have been born not too long ago, just a couple of days. Not a day goes by where I don't question and wonder why this has happened. The thing we wanted the most has been denied to us. All we have left of our 2 angels is memories and pictures. Right now, I'm just maintaining, hoping to make it through the next couple of weeks and it seems near insurmountable. I don't want to deal with life. I don't want to deal with all that we have to deal with currently. I just want things to work out the way they should be. Linda and I need to heal and move on, but it is so hard to do so when things look as bleak as they do now. I believe that there is hope and that things will eventually will work out, that we will have our family like we always wanted, but getting there is the hardest thing to do.

'Til later...

Almost a year ago, to the day nearly, I posted on the inability of drivers in Arizona, notably Flagstaff, to drive. In a post titled, "Overcompensation" I laid out these reasons and theorized that things were better elsewhere.

I was wrong.

They suck here too. Really, who comes to a screeching halt on a freeway in ruch hour? Well if you drive the 26 anytime, that is a very good proposition. And usually for no apparent reason. On this same road, driving west-bound you get sun in your eyes. It's not like this is a new development for anyone who has ever driven this road, yet everyday, when the sun hits their eyes, like little Oregonian vampires, we react and slam on our brakes.

In the middle of traffic.

Traveling at 55mph.

Because there is a bright shining ball of yellow levitating in front of you.

Not that you couldn't see that there is sun ahead of you beofre you drop into the valley and take appropriate measures; like putting down the sun visor before you pass into the light. Far too smart and well-thought out for Oregonian drivers.

Now my favorite pet peeve has to do with the city of Beaverton, who seems to the believe that no one can turn left at an intersection without a turn light. Gone is the ability to turn left on the green light, no, you're stopped by the red arrow banning all movement, even when there is so little traffic that you push your car through the turn. And to make matters worse, the sensors and timing for these lights are so shoddy that you can sit for what seems like an eternity at the light waiting to go, watching all the others continue on their way. While nice when there is traffic, a blinking yellow would be a nice touch.

Oh well. Til later...

The Test
Two weeks after we got to Oregon, I sat for the hardest test in my life. Having graduated back in May, and having been broke until recently to pay for the test, I had not taken my NCLEX exam to earn my nursing license. After the events of August, I was really in no shape emotionally, intellectually or psychologically to take this test, but I knew I needed to do so. On a Tuesday morning I drove to the testing center, nervous, shaking and fearing the worst. Even the help of NOFX and my theme song from school didn't put the shakes away. Seventy-five questions late I walked out saying, "Do you want fries with that?" to start practising for the career path that I felt I had earned with my dismal performance. You see the minimum number of questions on the NCLEX-RN test is 75. They figure that by that point in the test, you're either minimally competent (in other words, you'r enot going to outright kill someone due to stupidity), or you're hopeless and need to start thinking about possibly a career change. Sure, I had been in this spot before. Many times in school I walked out of the test feeling this exact same way and did just fine, even great. But it was different this time. So many times I felt that I was lost adn guessing. It was guessing guided by what I knew, following the ABCs and Maslow, but guessing. The rest of the day was spent trying not to think about the test and trying not to drive the wife crazy. The following morning I pulled up the State Board site, to see maybe if they had posted the results early. And they had. There was my name, with RN attached to it. I had done it! All of the time, the stress and worry had finally paid off.

New Grad Blues
Now that I had those precious initials, RN, after my name, I believed that a job would be a sight easier to obtain. Boy was I wrong. The thing that many people do not realize about the nursing shortage in this country is that it is a shortage of experienced nurses. Not being an experienced nurse made my job prospects scarce to minimal. Most facilities only have certain times where they take new grads as they have to make arrangements for preceptors and orientation (so as not to throw us fresh meat to the lions). Unfortunately, I had missed all of these times so opportunites are scarce. Yes, there are openings in long-term care and skilled nursing. Both honorable specialties in the nursing field, but not my area of interest. Yes, I could work at a LTC/SN facility, but I would be unhappy and always looking for the chance to bolt. WIth my upbringing that would not be an option. I don't leave people in a bind.

So here I am, singing the new grad blues. Everyday I log onto to the various hospital websites looking for new openings that I may qualify for. At least minimally enough to get an interview. I peruse the newspaper on-line. Not being from here though, I don't know the economic landscape, and how the various organizations hire. Some have said to just walk onto the floors, look for the manager and hand out my resume. Easy to say if you've done clinicals there. Me, I have to use gMaps just to find the places. But, I have faith. I have persistence. I have to ability to do menial labor until the job I want pops up. I may not want to, but I will.

Til later...

Preface
So much has happened since the last time I posted. Life has changed enormously and in so many different ways. While we always wanted to move back to Portland, it was never supposed to be in this particular fashion. We were supposed to be here waiting for the birth of our child, me with a job and working and the two of us in a happy blissful state.

Nice dream.

The reality is far from that.

The Reason
We lost our little angel on August 18th after 8 wonderful days of having her with us. We never got to hold her, or hear her cry, or do all those things that parents should be able to do. She spent her life inside an isolette, with lines running into her little body and a machine helping her breathe. She fought from the start, always trying to prove the doctors and the statistics wrong. She showed us how strong she was when she moved and squirmed, when she sucked on her endotracheal tube, when she held on to our fingers in a totally natural way. She touched so many lives in her short time in this life. There were many special moments that we will remember and cherish forever. We still have pictures and memories to keep her in our thoughts for as long as we live. After we lost Jonas, we believed that this could not happen again and our Mia Rose was part of the healing process after losing Jonas and now she has gone as well. We have two little angels to look after us now.

The Move
So after Mia left us, there was no reason to stay in Arizona. Why stay in a state that where we lost two children? With no jobs, no place to live, hardly any money but the help of our family, we left. Yes, we were running away from things that we could not really expect to escape from, but it made sense, at least in an irrational way. Linda left first, flying to Seattle as she was in no shape to make the long drive from Arizona. After cramming as much of our life into a rental truck that we could (pictures to come), my dad and I hit the road. Two days later we pulled into Portland. As luck would have it, we had a place to live, and people to help us unload. So here we were. Made it to Portland, had a place to live, still umemployed, still broke, not pregnant and trying to assimilate the shock of moving from a small town to a large city.